Full list of jokes
A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.Link to joke: A man goes into a greasy...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to asserthimself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He wenthome, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."Link to joke: A henpecked husband was advised by...
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can removea "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me theexact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation"I now pronounce you man and wife".Link to joke: An old man goes to the...
A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"Link to joke: A horse wanders into a bar...
Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the firstman begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that hewill wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down theroad. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws itup. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as hesits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"Link to joke: Two starving homeless men are walking...
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morningto find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says."How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts."That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."Link to joke: A man comes home drunk in...
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing herexpanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost asbig as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and hefollowed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wiferetreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tapemeasure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gasgrill!"Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves onhis wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one littleweiner!"Link to joke: A husband and wife were in...
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some."How hard is it?" she asks."About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"Link to joke: A husband comes home with a...
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked andwas climbing into bed when his wife complained,as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in thebathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"Link to joke: A husband emerged from the bathroom...
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, hewatches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee."Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it.""What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.""I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."Link to joke: A jealous husband hires a private...