Full list of jokes
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had movedinto the house next door. He was also quick to noticethat the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usuallyin a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair ofbreasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as muchas possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he couldstand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor'shouse, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,opened the door."Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing howbeautiful your wife is.""Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied."Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breastsare. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss thosebreasts."The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appearsand stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for afew moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside."OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kissmy wife's tits."At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desirehang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rubhis face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" hegrowls."I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away."Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now."I don't have ten thousand dollars."Link to joke: One day this fellow noticed that...
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband askedwhat was wrong."Nothing," said the woman.Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?""Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cookedand cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother'sDay, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you.""Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gottena Father's Day gift.""Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."Link to joke: A family was having dinner on...
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a strollin the fields when they came across a cow and acalf rubbing noses."Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want todo the same.""Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."Link to joke: A farmer and his girlfriend were...
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,"Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.Link to joke: A farmer and his wife were...
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for adivorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmersaid, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, youdon't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, Idon't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you havea grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where Ipark my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do youhave a suit?"The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church onSundays."The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does yourwife beat you up or anything?"The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHYDO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningfulconversation with her."Link to joke: A farmer walked into an attorney's...
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?""I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."Link to joke: A fellow decides to take off...
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenconfronted by a room full of beautiful blondes andkegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this isreally hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes inthe bottoms, and the blondes don't!"Link to joke: A fellow dies, goes to hell,...
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golferand she wins their little competition on the last hole.He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason."You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats."You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"Link to joke: A fellow has a week off...
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on afairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she saidpolitely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keepingmyself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husbandpretty upset."Link to joke: A fellow in a bar notices...
A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women whoin a short time were fighting over his attentions.They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupantCPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"said the raft rider in a swishy way.With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,there goes my Sundays!"Link to joke: A fellow was shipwrecked with six...