Full list of jokes
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"Link to joke: A concerned husband went to a...
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."Link to joke: A construction worker came home just...
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you togo out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?""I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: _ / \ | | O \ _ /and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.""That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to thesmall circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"Link to joke: Two So-Cal guys were picked up...
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"Link to joke: A couple came upon a wishing...
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."Link to joke: A couple gets married, and thirty...
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything.She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"Link to joke: A couple have not been getting...
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same placesthey went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secludedcountryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road.The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we didhere forty years ago."The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, andhe immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. Theymade love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never movedlike that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"Link to joke: A couple married forty years were...
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, havinga little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin."I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled amuscle and it's killing me.""That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though.""Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."Link to joke: A couple of geezers were sitting...
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.""That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?""Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.Link to joke: A couple on their honeymoon woke...
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What canI do for you?"The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctorsaid, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And hethen charged them $32.00.This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is marriedand we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it herefor $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor'soffice."Link to joke: A couple, age 67, went to...