Full list of jokes
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the "statue." Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."Link to joke: A woman was in bed with...
A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIScountry there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come fromthere's really only one.""Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?""Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . ""Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"Link to joke: A guest from some foreign country...
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that'smy wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."Link to joke: A Packer fan was enjoying himself...
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."Link to joke: Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some...
A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!""You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes after two."Link to joke: A partially deaf gentleman was extolling...
A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. thepastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and begantumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally thepastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sendinghis rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry forwhat I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord pleasemake this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fellto it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep andsaid "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"Link to joke: A pastor in Maine skipped services...
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy". Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients". The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.Link to joke: A pheasant was standing in a...
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped atthe pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven afteryou have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have asnowballs chance in hell of meeting god?""Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."Link to joke: A pedophile dies in a car...
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned tocover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was sothick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for himto photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission torent a plane and take photos from the air.He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swungthe little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in theair. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three lowpasses so I can take some pictures.""Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,"and photographers take photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You meanyou're not the flight instructor?"Link to joke: A photographer from a well known...
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's aparty going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"the whiskey replied.And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"Link to joke: A pizza was waiting in the...
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