A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
Link to joke: A man called the undertaker one...

A man calls his family doctor:man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.
Link to joke: A man calls his family doctor:man:...

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises frominside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floorof the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am havinga heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call thedoctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closetdoor and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scarethe kids"!!!
Link to joke: A man comes home and hears...

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in themirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breastsof a 25 year old."The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Link to joke: A man comes home from work...

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Link to joke: A man decided to have a...

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'
Link to joke: A man eating at restaurant says...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?""No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Link to joke: A man enters a barber shop...

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He askedhis girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm hewent back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could notcontinue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm hewent back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been outthere five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm hishands.His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"
Link to joke: A man had a flat tire...

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?" The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Link to joke: A man is waiting for his...

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
Link to joke: A man is walking along one...

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